Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Two-Fifty Tuesdays #14

Excerpts of my writing consisting of 250 words. No more. No less. 

The following passage was taken from Chapter Seven of my novel, Guinea Pig Maverick

     I raise my hands above my head in surrender. Mr. Dunne reaches me first.  He grabs one of my arms and twists it around to my back, hiking it up so that I’m in pain. I wince at his roughness, unprepared for it. The guard stops a few paces in front of me, and aims the weapon at my face. After a pause, he puts it away and pulls out a pair of handcuffs instead. I don’t resist. There’s no point.
     I’m led over to the glass desk. The dog tags around my neck are removed and handed to the woman. She types my information into the computer. Her eyebrows skyrocket.
     “He’s supposed to be testing robotic surgery equipment with Dr. Lahey.”
     My stomach churns.
     “Lahey has him booked for all of next week as well.” Another look of surprise comes over her face. “Would you look at that. Mister Carter here is human.” She hands the tags back to the guard. “No wonder Lahey wants him. He won’t heal halfway through the incisions.”
     I think I might throw up.
     “Well cancel it,” Mr. Dunne says while tightening his grip on me. “I’m taking him. If Lahey has a problem with that, tell him he should learn to keep a better eye on his subjects.”
     Did I just become the object of a finders’-keepers’ argument?
     The woman doesn’t protest. She types something on the computer.
     “He’s all yours.”
     The guard slips the tags back over my head and we walk. ...

God bless,
~Amy Rochelle


  1. Oh man, I love this too much. It is absolutely fascinating, I want more!!!!!!! I love your stories. I hope mine will be as interesting as yours someday. One little thing: you say "He grabs one of my arms and twists it around to my back, hiking it up so that I am in pain." That particular sentence is a little confusing. Perhaps it would be more clear if you say "he grabs one of my arns and twists it around BEHIND my back." Or something. And maybe instead of saying "so that I am in pain" in the same sentence, you can end the sentence at the word 'back' and say something like "It hurts like (insert descriptive term)." I don't know, I just stumbled over that sentence a few times. Do you mind that I critique your work? I'm sorry, but my mom was going to be an English teacher before she married my dad, so I kind of have a "analyze everything you read" thingy in my brain. If it bugs you I will stop. I promise. I love your stories, I just have this habit of dissecting words and paragraphs and stuff. I don't want to be annoying.

    1. Thank you so much! Your feedback is so encouraging! And thank you for your little critiques. I don't mind at all! They are quite helpful, and so far you've picked out all the little things that were already bugging me. I just wasn't sure how to fix it at the time. So thank you!