The following passage was taken from Chapter 5 of my novel, Guinea Pig Maverick.
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A distinct growl comes from behind me.
“HANDS UP!
I want to see them now!”
I push myself
to my knees and raise my shaking hands above my head. I stare into the barrel of a rifle that’s
just inches away from my face. A single
dog is watching me with his tail wagging and his tongue hanging out of his
mouth. He cocks his head at me. I just narrow my eyes at him. Little snitch.
One man, a
guard, puts his gun away and pushes me back down to the dirt. My hands are cuffed behind my back and I
stiffen. These are not ordinary
cuffs. More like shackles. Several
inches of metal clamp tightly onto my forearms.
There is no wiggle room at all.
Two men pull me up in a dead lift back to my feet. The barrel of the gun meets my face again.
I’m too
scared out of my mind to try to do or say anything. I don’t know what these
people want, and I can’t stop staring at that gun.
A man
pats down my chest.
“No tags,”
he comments to his colleague. My arms
are lifted up slightly at my back, forcing me to bend forward. The same guard pulls something out of his
pocket and turns it on. It looks like a
small UV light. He walks around to my
back and I can only guess at what the light’s purpose is.
“Negative,”
the guard says. He sounds
surprised. The ...God bless,
~Amy Rochelle
This is cool! I like it! One suggestion, maybe instead of saying "too scared out of my mind" you could just say "too scared." I would do this myself, because "scared out of my mind" is a cliché, and most people recommend steering clear of cliché's in your writing. Not that it's bad or anything, it's just a suggestion, you could take it or leave it. I like this excerpt a lot. What's with the dog? Or is that classified?
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your constructive feedback! That sentence was bothering me and now I know why. I'll be sure to revise that.
DeleteThe dog isn't TOO important, but he is the reason my character winds up in a sticky situation.
Cool. I like dogs. One thing I thought I should tell you. I know names aren't copyrighted or anything, so I named Destiny's (my MC) dog Shep, after your Shep, because my Shep is something of an attack dog, and your Shep is just as scary. You can find a picture of him here: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/423197696210857757/
ReplyDeleteOooh, he's so pretty! That's pretty cool. Shep is actually named after the fact that he's a sort of "guardian" or "shepherd." Although he isn't as kind as he first appears.
DeleteAwesome!
Delete